Anxiety Drives Me Crazy

Today, I'm supposed to leave the house to go and vote.
I won't be.

I cannot leave the house.

It's a relatively nice day outside.
Nothing to worry about (as my mother says).

Instead I've got fears over every person walking past the house. The dog is bring territorial and barking at them which is freaking me out.
Everyone keeps looking through the window directly at me.
Are they scoping me out to try and hurt me?
Are they casing the house to rob?
If I leave the house will they hurt me? They look like they might.

Its just gone 12pm and it's already looking like it's getting dark.
I can't stop scratching....I'm itchy all over.
Why am I freaking out over this?

My heart is going so fast....I'm concentrating on my breathing but I'm also freaking out because I feel dizzy.
If I pass out will someone rob the house and sexually assault me....I know that would happen.

Eurgh....mums just left me home alone....just to go to the corner shop. I can't deal with this anymore.
Stupid shakes....Stupid breathing....Stupid itchiness.

My head feels all tingly.
Is something wrong with me.?
Shall I see a doctor?

Depression is awful.

Trigger warning.
If you are sucidial or have been affected by suicide please do not read.

For years I have struggled with depression. I've been put on so many anti-depressants and unfortunately they've had no effect.
I'm currently on 60mg of Duloxetine and unfortunately my body hasn't been able to tolerate the 90mg dose so I've been put back down to 60mg and told to wait until after the holidays by my psychiatrist before maybe I might be able to change medications again and give something else a try.

Maybe I need a new evaluation done?

All I've done today is sleep, eat because my mother put it in front of me (mindless eating), and cry.

It's the thoughts that I wish would just leave my head.

I'm worthless.
I'm the most replaceable person in the world.
I'm the most easiest to throw away.
I'm the the one that nobody will notice has even left the mortal world.
I'm not wanted.
I'm unloveable.
Nobody wants me around.
Nobody wants to see me.
Nobody is really a friend, they merely tolerate me.
I'm the one you all throw your problems at because you know I just want to help you.
I'm the one who when I ask for help you turn your back on.
I'm the one who can't leave the house because something bad will happen.
Something bad always happens.
I just want to take all my pills....maybe then I might feel happy.
I just want to go to sleep and not wake up...just remain in a dreamlike state forever.
You wouldn't turn up to my funeral.
Nobody will.
Nobody cares.
The world is something that I want to be a part of anymore.
The world doesn't want me around.
Everyone is against me.

Everytime I fight someone knocks me back down.

I've really had enough.

I can't win these ongoing battles anymore.
I just want out.

That doesn't make me selfish.
What is selfish is forcing me to continue to fight and fail on a daily basis for your own reason.

I want out. I just can't do this anymore.

I just need to go away.

It's best for all of us.